At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it