“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Storm Tropical Storm
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
this chia pet tastes awful
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.