A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
The French word for sex is croissant.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE