4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
cyclists
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting