I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
You Might Also Like
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.