Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
set yourself free xox
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.