Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
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-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Wait a minute…
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’