Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
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2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.