turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
You Might Also Like
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
*ernest hemingway voice*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself