My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”