I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
War & Peace
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Spring cleaning checklist…
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.