Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees