son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
You Might Also Like
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.