*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?