I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
You Might Also Like
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.