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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
buying dead houseplants to save time
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth