[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
You Might Also Like
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
This is Sparta
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”