Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
You Might Also Like
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle