*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
⛄️
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?