Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Our lord and savoury.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.