I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves