I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Tony Hawk, age 6
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”