Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…