Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Well, this is awkward
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*