i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Sign at work today
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots