Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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Breaking news:
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.