When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food