Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.