Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.