Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.