Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I drew y’all a little something.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that