Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Every damn time
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain