Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.