Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
unbelievably distressed by this ad