I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*bites zombie*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.