Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”