*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don鈥檛 try this at home
Me and my siblings:
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he鈥檚 right there
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I wish I were this cool 馃槀
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
List of food it鈥檚 okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out