No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*