What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.