Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
You Might Also Like
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
uncle dave has been through hell
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.