date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
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psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
What is going on? 😅
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later