Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?