Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
2 years later
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together