*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Had an epiphany today.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”