Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.