*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
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[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.