*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.