interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My blood type is coffee.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s