FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Has there ever been a more American story?