Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.